An inner vow is a strong decision, oath, or declaration about how we will act in order to get what we want or protect ourselves from pain. Usually, these unhealthy inner vows are unconsciously made in the midst of a wounding event and involve relying on ourselves for protection rather than trusting God and His power.
A middle-aged, single client told me he noticed the absence of close relationships in his life. He was able to build intimacy in romantic connections but not in friendships. I asked if he could recall a time in his life when he felt a strong bond with someone; he couldn’t.
I suspected he might have made an unhealthy inner vow to avoid pain by steering clear of close relationships. It took several months for him to process and finally recall the early childhood trauma that caused him to become a loner. As a young child he had made an unhealthy inner vow that isolated him as an adult.
Example of inner vow 1: I will never cry or feel sad again.
Example of inner vow 2: I will never be vulnerable with my spouse again.
Example of inner vow 3: I will never be like my mom.
Hebrews 3:7-8 warns us to not harden our hearts or do anything to hinder our ability to trust God fully. Unbiblical inner vows and faulty strategies not only affect our heart’s ability to be sensitive to God but can also affect our ability to connect with others.
A strategy refers to a largely unconscious plan, method, or series of maneuvers that help us achieve our inner vow. Flawed self-protective strategies often grow out of hidden lies and unhealthy inner vows. For example, we may vow, “I will never be out of control again,” and then develop a hyper-vigilant strategy for every contingency.
If you are struggling to create a connection with your spouse, or you feel stuck in making a change, perhaps there is an unhealthy inner vow at work. Follow this process to discover what may be at work in you.
- Quiet yourself so you can hear the
- Ask the Lord to reveal to you if you have an unhealthy vow or strategy at work.
- If he reveals something, be willing to admit it and deal with the vow/strategy through repentance.
- Ask Him to free you from that inner vow or strategy.
- Ask God for forgiveness, and if it affected another relationship, ask their forgiveness as well.
A great resource for further reading on this subject is: Rusty Rustenbach’s ” A Guide For Listening and Inner Healing Prayer” found here