Marriage is challenging and communication with your spouse is one of the greatest challenges. There is a subtle but very important adjustment you can make when communicating with your spouse. This adjustment if practiced over time should help improve your relationship.
The goal of communication within marriage has often been agreement. “When we are finished with this difficult conversation we should both agree”. The goal of agreement causes us to try and convince or lobby for our own position or way. When we feel we have to convince someone of the validity of our feelings or position, our ability to hear is greatly compromised. Our sharing becomes guarded and we aren’t as vulnerable. We stay in thoughts rather than in feelings.
I think you care only about you. VS. I feel lonely when you watch tv rather than talk to me.
You spend money whenever you want. VS I feel scared we won’t be able to pay our bills when you don’t stick to our budget.
The use of I messages with clear, specific statements that show what you are feeling is very important. Stay away from judgements (you care only about you) and instead describe what you are feeling. Your partner cannot know what you are thinking or feeling unless you choose to share.
What if we adjusted the goal of communication to understanding? Not agreement but understanding the other’s feelings and thoughts. When the goal is to understand (not convince) we can listen with curiosity and openness. We aren’t preoccupied with protecting our position. We can learn more about our spouse and grow in our emotional connection.