When I talk on the phone with a potential client who is looking for marriage counseling, I ask them about the issues they hope to address. Invariably they respond with something like, “We need to learn how to communicate better.”
I understand their concern, but I never start with communication. Why? Because learning how to speak using “I” messages, being clear in what you are saying, and not bringing up old issues are all great communication tools, but they are not the most important aspect of marriage counseling.
If I use great communication but don’t want to move towards my spouse emotionally, nothing will change. You can be a master orator and still have a distant relationship with your partner.
Until you commit to the goal of relational connection, all the tools in the world will not help you. When we decide to fight for connection we can use tools like love languages, clear communication, etc. to improve our marriage.
“The choice to pursue the goal of connection will bring you right up against the real conflict that lies at the core of every relationship. It is a spiritual battle-a heart battle-drawn between the two most powerful forces that drive us: fear and love.” (Danny Silk out of Keep Your Love On.)
When our spouse hurts us, we have a decision to make: Do we remove ourselves from them emotionally? Do we allow fear to creep in and place emotional distance between them and us? Our do we stand still and choose to fight our fear and keep our love on?
This happens every day in marriages. A wife approaches her husband wanting to talk about the need to spend time together alone. He is only half tuned into what she is saying while he flips through the evening news. Her feelings get hurt and she allows fear to sneak in and tell her he doesn’t really care about her. She walks away wounded and decides she is done trying to set up a date with her husband. She disconnects a little.
A husband spends time cleaning and organizing the garage. He calls his wife to show her the job and she responds by saying, “I clean every week without any praise. Do you want a medal?” The husband’s feelings are hurt and he disconnects a little—a disconnection that allows fear to enter. This fear whispers that perhaps there is no way he can please his wife. Why even try?
Every day we are faced with the choice to move away or move towards our spouse; a decision to build a strong connection or to create a safe distance. Choose to build a strong connection with those you love.
If you find yourself in a marriage or relationship that is characterized by a cold coexistence, call and schedule an appointment. I would love to help you learn how to keep your love on.