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She cries because she doesn’t feel connected, chosen or wanted by anyone. She offers her body to a man with the hope they can experience a soul connection strong enough for him to call again, visit again and declare her worth pursuing. She offers her heart to be written on by a person who doesn’t even know what he wants or who he is; a young man who doesn’t believe or value the King of Kings. How can he give her value or declare her worth loving? Why does she settle for the meager offerings of a fickle boy?

I plead with the young woman to see her present and her future as one orchestrated by a loving heavenly father who knows her dreams and desires.   He sees her loneliness, her questions about her worth, her doubts that she will ever be chosen by an earthly man. Oh, beautiful girl, you have already been chosen by the Man who can forever love you. Forever provide value and worth. Forever secure a roof over your head and food for your table. A Man who chose to humble himself so that you could be free and loved forever.

Perhaps you are this woman or are struggling to believe the truth of God rather than the lies of the enemy. Choose to believe God’s truth. Meditate on these things:

1. You have a very real enemy who would like to tie your value or worth to some earthly man choosing you.

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” John 10:10

2. God is not out to deny your desires. He loves you and desires to show his favor in every area of your life. It gives your heavenly father great joy when you ask him. Start asking him for whatever is on your heart today!

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!” Matthew 7:7-11

3. He has an amazing plan for your life as you seek him. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:11-13

When I talk on the phone with a potential client who is looking for marriage counseling, I ask them about the issues they hope to address. Invariably they respond with something like, “We need to learn how to communicate better.”

I understand their concern, but I never start with communication. Why? Because learning how to speak using “I” messages, being clear in what you are saying, and not bringing up old issues are all great communication tools, but they are not the most important aspect of marriage counseling.

If I use great communication but don’t want to move towards my spouse emotionally, nothing will change. You can be a master orator and still have a distant relationship with your partner.

Until you commit to the goal of relational connection, all the tools in the world will not help you. When we decide to fight for connection we can use tools like love languages, clear communication, etc. to improve our marriage.

“The choice to pursue the goal of connection will bring you right up against the real conflict that lies at the core of every relationship. It is a spiritual battle-a heart battle-drawn between the two most powerful forces that drive us: fear and love.” (Danny Silk out of Keep Your Love On.)

When our spouse hurts us, we have a decision to make: Do we remove ourselves from them emotionally? Do we allow fear to creep in and place emotional distance between them and us? Our do we stand still and choose to fight our fear and keep our love on?

This happens every day in marriages. A wife approaches her husband wanting to talk about the need to spend time together alone. He is only half tuned into what she is saying while he flips through the evening news. Her feelings get hurt and she allows fear to sneak in and tell her he doesn’t really care about her. She walks away wounded and decides she is done trying to set up a date with her husband. She disconnects a little.

A husband spends time cleaning and organizing the garage. He calls his wife to show her the job and she responds by saying, “I clean every week without any praise. Do you want a medal?” The husband’s feelings are hurt and he disconnects a little—a disconnection that allows fear to enter. This fear whispers that perhaps there is no way he can please his wife. Why even try?

Every day we are faced with the choice to move away or move towards our spouse; a decision to build a strong connection or to create a safe distance. Choose to build a strong connection with those you love.

If you find yourself in a marriage or relationship that is characterized by a cold coexistence, call and schedule an appointment.  I would love to help you learn how to keep your love on.

Expertly Edited by Lindsay.noll.branting@gmail.com

An inner vow is a strong decision, oath, or declaration about how we will act in order to get what we want or protect ourselves from pain. Usually, these unhealthy inner vows are unconsciously made in the midst of a wounding event and involve relying on ourselves for protection rather than trusting God and His power.

A middle-aged, single client told me he noticed the absence of close relationships in his life. He was able to build intimacy in romantic connections but not in friendships. I asked if he could recall a time in his life when he felt a strong bond with someone; he couldn’t.

I suspected he might have made an unhealthy inner vow to avoid pain by steering clear of close relationships. It took several months for him to process and finally recall the early childhood trauma that caused him to become a loner. As a young child he had made an unhealthy inner vow that isolated him as an adult.

Example of inner vow 1: I will never cry or feel sad again.

Example of inner vow  2: I will never be vulnerable with my spouse again.

Example of inner vow 3: I will never be like my mom.

Hebrews 3:7-8 warns us to not harden our hearts or do anything to hinder our ability to trust God fully. Unbiblical inner vows and faulty strategies not only affect our heart’s ability to be sensitive to God but can also affect our ability to connect with others.

A strategy refers to a largely unconscious plan, method, or series of maneuvers that help us achieve our inner vow. Flawed self-protective strategies often grow out of hidden lies and unhealthy inner vows. For example, we may vow, “I will never be out of control again,” and then develop a hyper-vigilant strategy for every contingency.

If you are struggling to create a connection with your spouse, or you feel stuck in making a change, perhaps there is an unhealthy inner vow at work. Follow this process to discover what may be at work in you.

1. Quiet yourself so you can hear the
2. Ask the Lord to reveal to you if you have an unhealthy vow or strategy at work.
3. If he reveals something, be willing to admit it and deal with the vow/strategy through repentance.
4. Ask Him to free you from that inner vow or strategy.
5. Ask God for forgiveness, and if it affected another relationship, ask their forgiveness as well.

A great resource for further reading on this subject is:  Rusty Rustenbach’s ” A Guide For Listening and Inner Healing Prayer” found here

Expertly Edited by Lindsay.noll.branting@gmail.com

I just got off the phone with a distraught husband who has been married for less than a year. His wife had requested he get help from a counselor and even went so far as to diagnosis his issue. He called wanting to know what to do and asked if a counselor could really help him attain the marriage he’d envisioned when he said “I do.”

After talking with him for a while it became clear to me that he lacked a marriage model to follow. He needed tools to consistently communicate, set boundaries and work out conflicts. He didn’t require a diagnosis, but rather a counselor to assure him there was hope.

We often repeat the relational patterns and marriage model we grew up with. For many men, a healthy marriage model is missing. They didn’t have a dad in the home to show them how to treat women or how to communicate their thoughts and feelings. Their model left when things got difficult, and along with their model’s departure went the tools they need for success.

Learning to remain steady amid your wife’s emotional upset is challenging. She often has a great deal to say and says it with intensity—intensity that makes a man want to hide, shut down or walk away. If your marriage model didn’t demonstrate how to tune into your own emotions, how do you then express them to your wife? How do you tell her what you feel when she keeps insisting you share?

For some men, the marriage model they grew up with is nothing they want to repeat. They saw their parents’ marriage as full of anger, unresolved fights, hurtful words and a constant struggle for relational control. Or the model was one where difficult issues were discussed behind closed doors, but the resulting tension and stress was still felt by all.

It is hard to make changes if you are not sure which changes to make. It is hard to behave differently when you don’t know what behavior will make a difference.  And most of all, it is hard to remain loving when you both hurt from past occurrences. Counseling is a great place to look at your marriage model; identify your own emotions, unpack your thoughts, learn why you react the way you do, and get practical tools and steps to make the changes you desire.

Call me today at 360-524-1870 to get started on building a marriage that you can one day model to your kids.

Expertly Edited by Lindsay.noll.branting@gmail.com

 photo credit: <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/28671532@N04/4152348706″>A Hand To Hold</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a> <a href=”https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/2.0/”>(license)</a>

Life can be extremely challenging and almost unbearable at times.  On some days we feel disconnected from those around us; fearful of how long our carefully saved finances will last; without a compelling purpose for our life; and fat, ugly or just plain old when we look in the mirror.  On these days it is hard to move through the day without wanting to give up and just crawl back into bed.

For many, when life gets overwhelming, they stuff down the emotions and reach for the remote, refrigerator, red wine or racy web site.  If you find yourself trying to handle difficult emotions with more frequency don’t just trudge through it and hope it gets better.

Isolation is one of the enemy’s favorite tactics.  He wants you to believe that you are the only one experiencing troubles.  Does the thought  “No one could possibly understand or help” come often.  While others may not have experienced the exact situation you are facing plenty of others have had hard times, challenging thoughts,  and difficult emotions.

Here are a few practical ideas that might just help you today with those difficult emotions:

• Get up and move (go for a walk/do those dishes/play Frisbee on a work break/dance)
• Find someone to help (offer to watch someone kids/help a friend clean/mow a neighbors lawn)
• Write out a list of ten things you are grateful for and post it on your mirror
• Crank some music (choose uplifting not “All By Myself” sung by Celine Dion) and sing along
• Call a trusted friend and share your struggles

If you have tried for several days to process your difficult emotions and are sinking deeper and deeper, call and make an appointment with a counselor.  You don’t have to do this alone.  You don’t have to drown in your difficult emotions.

In the meantime, for those who believe, here are a few words of comfort from Psalm 43:5 out of The Message

“Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul?
Why are you crying the blues?
Fix my eyes on God—
soon I’ll be praising again.
He puts a smile on my face.
He’s my God.”