Ask Kenna

Let me offer you three anchoring truths to help navigate through life’s many storms.  For many, the struggle for self-love and acceptance overshadows much of life. Abuse, trauma, divorce, death, and rejection are all challenging events to work through and often end up defining who we are.

As Christ followers, we have a different story! I encourage you to anchor your value and self-acceptance in these three truths:

• I am a child of God’s.
• I am uniquely created.
• I am to glorify Him.

I am a child of God’s speaks to my value. I am valuable not because of anything I have done, ever will do, or because of who I am or who I might yet become. I am valuable because I belong to God. This truth is not conditional. It is true now and always will be because of the unchanging nature of God.

I am uniquely created speaks to the fact that I don’t need to compare myself to others. I am one of a kind. The Creator has given me gifts and talents that reflect his personality.

I am to glorify Him gives me a purpose in life. I have freedom to express my uniqueness, but at the same time my goal is to bring glory to Him.

These anchoring truths free me from shame, condemnation and comparison. They give me a deep-rooted security in who I am because of who He is. Spend some time meditating on these three truths and see if they don’t help shift your thinking.

If you find yourself believing that you are of no significance, more damaged than designed, and without hope for change, call me at (360) 524-1870  Together we can begin your journey to replace these lies with truth. Experience the freedom of knowing you are deeply loved!

 

 

The sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us.  Romans 8:18

Maybe you’re going through a nasty breakup right now—or, if you are like most people who’ve lived a few years, you can recall a time you went through one.

When you go through the kind of excruciating heartbreak (as most of us have) that brings you to your knees, you have a couple of choices. You can jump back right into your little black dress and into someone new’s arms—blotting out the pain and skipping the healing part completely.  Or…. You can hit the pause button and become aware that God is present in every single anguishing moment of it— the anger, the blame, the confusion, the forgiveness. There’s a reason for all of it.

Believe me, we are all human… I can see why taking refuge in shiny, new relationships, is tempting. Healing is not for the weak. Purpose is not for the lazy.

When I went through a difficult breakup a few years ago I decided to stop, get still and listen. I knew I needed to recenter & R.E.S.T. And by that, I mean Release Every Sabotaging Thought.

So I took a whole year to be still.   I invested inward.  I listened. I listened to messages from Heaven, I read about a dozen books on personal and spiritual development.  I got clear about my goals and I focused forward.  I didn’t rush it – I committed to work through it.

So how can you turn your break-up into purpose-filled breakthrough?

(1) CHOOSE HEALING

The bravest thing you can do is CHOOSE to heal and to make that a proactive process.  You choose to allow BAD to stand for Broken Angry & Defeated … or you can embrace your breakthrough and see yourself as Blessed And Determined.  It’s a choice.

(2) SHIFT YOUR FOCUS

A break-up, like most experiences is about something much bigger than you anyway.  God is probably trying to usher you into a new place and allow you to help more people. Yes, you!  What can you learn from you circumstances that will help you and help others?

There is purpose waiting to emerge from a place of pain.  Pain is never intended to be permanent.

(3) ASK GOD THE RIGHT QUESTIONS

Stop asking the small question: “God, what do you want me to DO?”  He rarely answers that question.  Instead start asking the big one: “God, who do want me to BECOME?”  That one takes courage and will require ACTION and spiritual maturity.  The calling I ended up discovering was a lot bigger than anything I could have dreamed up. I never would have gotten it if I hadn’t paused and shifted the focus from self to divine service.

So what do bad breakups and divine purpose have in common?

People rush through both—they don’t stop and listen for God. And, BELIEVE me, if you’re in a messed up situation and you don’t deal with it, you’re only going to mess up the next situation. When you rush into the next relationship, you’re actually saying to God, “I can’t be used for your highest purpose because I’m not willing to go thru the process. I want what’s easy—not what’s divine.  What’s divine takes time.”

So… if you are in that post-breakup place, know that everything you’re going through did not happen toyou….it happened for you.  For your purpose. So stop. Listen. REST. And, focus forward by focusing on your purpose.

Reposted with permission from Marshawn.  Marshawn Evans Daniels is a Global Mentor and Catalyst for Women looking to Launch Their Dreams and Live Their Purpose. She equips others to AMPLIFY their lives, their leadership and their legacy by teaching the principles of influence, branding, and divine purpose. Her weekly eZine goes out to thousands of subscribers. Are you ready to unleash your brilliance and align with your REAL destiny? Sign up for a FREE subscription at http://marshawnevans.com.

A couple I am working with are both on their third marriages and are both over sixty years of age. This couple has well-established patterns of relating. These patterns are not producing the kind of marriage they both hoped to have.

In counseling we aren’t talking about fighting fair or division of tasks or even the way they spend their money. While those things are important they don’t change the fabric of a relationship. They don’t change that at the end of the day both partners feel lonely and don’t know how to build a connection.   An emotional connection that creates a sense of team.   A sense of belonging.  A sense of being known by the other that invites vulnerability and authenticity in all conversations.

You see when you have a safe base at home, a base of acceptance and belonging, you can go out into the world and thrive. When you are unsure how your partner feels about you and if they even really know you or get you it effects the way you show up in your job.  It affects how you show up  at the gym; volunteering and even places of worship.

The kind of marriage counseling I do helps couples to show up authentically.   In each session I guide the conversation that leads to being known and experiencing acceptance and love. Together we slowly tackle the pain and often years of distance between them. We weave and knit a strong emotional bond between them. A bond that allows them to navigate tasks of marriage successfully.

If you feel more alone now in your marriage than in the first few months of your marriage, get help. Find a therapist that has been trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy. Find a therapist that can help you even on your third marriage after sixty.  If you are in the Vancouver area call me at 360 524-1870 to start building a better marriage today.

My life looks much different now than it did two years ago; I have something called spare time. Many of you long to build spare time into your very busy lives. For me, this was a huge adjustment and the beginning of a very difficult, emotional season. A season I will call “winter.”

I’ve expended a lot of energy fighting this season. I wondered if there was something wrong that kept me from finding new friends. Or having a full client load in my private practice. Or some disobedience that prevented additional opportunities in ministry. I prayed, talked to my family, sulked, complained to my husband, distracted myself with food, and eventually (several months later) grew quiet enough to hear God speak.

Tuning into my soul (mind/will/emotions) and listening to God took time. At first I needed to be honest about what I was feeling. I practice an activity I call “interviewing my feelings.” Perhaps you could benefit from this process as well.

• What am I feeling?
• When did this feeling begin?
• Was there a specific event or interaction that brought this on?
• Am I doing anything to try and cover this feeling up (aka coping) or distract myself from this feeling?
• Is there an area in my body that I feel this the most?
• How is this feeling affecting my behavior? For example, am I short in my response to my spouse? Am I drinking more? Am I working longer hours? Do my kids annoy me more than usual?

Remember that feelings are like road signs and signals; they aren’t good or bad. They exist to inform us and help us navigate life. It is the choices we make as a result of our feelings that can become helpful or harmful.

During the process of examining my feelings, I also tune into my thoughts. Often our thoughts produce our feelings. And once I get clear on my thinking, I sort out the truth from the lies. I use Scripture as my sieve, and often ask a trusted friend to listen and reflect what they see/hear as well. Counseling is also a beneficial tool to help you sift and sort through your thoughts and feelings.

A deception that surfaced for me involved equating busyness with spiritual maturity. The more I do, the more I love Jesus. Boy was that a big lie! What lies do you believe?

Many months have passed and I’m happy to report that I’m content with my pace of life. After all, it’s just a season. A winter season offering me fresh experiences and new ways to grow. Ecclesiastes tells us there is a season and time for everything. Don’t waste your winter!

Each of us is a tri-part being. We are made up of spirit, soul, and our physical body. In our soul is where our mind, will and emotions reside. We choose what area drives our behavior, thoughts, and attitudes and ultimately our life.

Sometimes, with the demands of everyday life, we ignore the inner life. Sometimes, we severely under-value the importance of our interior world. But the rock solid truth is this: our soul’s health drives everything that matters to us. It is foundational to who you are. In the end, everything about your life, your person-hood, is in some way a function of your soul. The health of your soul matters!

Something else is true about souls: They are living. Like all living things, our souls can thrive, or not so much. Every soul has a quality of life; a degree of well-being. Souls need attention and care. But how?

At Restoration Counseling NW, I help you unpack your soul. Many of us are unaware of how our past and the way we think about it impacts today and tomorrow. Many of us have repeated destructive lies so often that we now believe them to be true.

“If anyone really knew me they wouldn’t like me so I better hide who I really am.”

“Pain is to be avoided at all cost. I would rather turn to_______(insert coping tool) than feel pain.”

“I can’t change. This is who I am. Like it or leave.”

If you are ready to make changes but aren’t sure how to begin, call me at (360) 524-1870 to schedule an appointment. You soul is too important to ignore!

The internet connection in my bedroom is poor, and occasionally when I sign in to Facebook I get a notice that says “Reestablishing Lost Connection.” The last time I received that message, I laughed and thought, Wow, I often do that with my counseling clients! I help them recreate a connection with their spouse, God or sometimes with both.

God designed our lives to work best when He is at the center; when we are connected in mind and heart to Him. Out of this primary relationship we seek to do all else in life. When I don’t make time to talk with Him or hear His perspective on my life, I tend to exhaust my supply of faith, grace and patience pretty quickly. If we’re not rooted in His abundant love, we respond to difficulties with fear.

When we don’t emotionally connect with our spouses, we often run out of the grace and love needed to relate with each other well. We engage in fearful thoughts rather than loving thoughts:

He doesn’t understand me and probably never will.

She is so critical; she doesn’t seem to like me anymore.

I don’t know if I can tell her the truth about my addiction and how much I want to get free.

I don’t think He wants to listen to all my struggles with my sister.

Disconnection is similar to emotional distance. A spouse can feel and see when their partner’s goal is to create a safe distance rather than a loving connection. Instead of working hard to resolve their last conflict, they avoid each other until they can tolerate one another again. Instead of being vulnerable and sharing their minds and hearts, they choose to share only positive things or say nothing at all. Instead of setting aside a night each week to spend with their spouse, they say yes to another late night of work or dinner out with friends.

Are you experiencing emotional distance or disconnection with your partner?

• Begin moving toward each other by drawing close to the Source of grace and love.
• Be intentional about time with your spouse.
• Deepen the conversation by moving from facts to feelings.
• Clearly state that you want to listen to what they have to say.
• “Tell me more” is a great way to expand the conversation.

Let’s get as interested in reestablishing the connection with our spouse as we are in reestablishing the connection with Facebook.

If you need help getting started, call and set up an appointment with me.

 

1.  Remember your goal for communication.

 If you want to create a connection with the person you are talking with, it’s important to share openly and honestly. Communication isn’t about trying to control the other person. It isn’t a competition to see who speaks with the most authority or who presents the best logical case. That is called debate.

2.  Practice tuning into your own needs, thoughts and feelings so you can express them accurately.

This might sound easy, but how many times have you responded with “I don’t know” when asked what you are feeling? Better to muddle through sharing your emotional state rather than shutting down. We only get better if we practice.

3.  Communicate only what you think, need or feel.

We cannot tell another what they think, feel or need. That is their responsibility. The rule of thumb is to use “I” statements. I want to hear what you are saying but I am reacting negatively to the way you are speaking to me vs Your angry and need to calm down.

4.  Time your conversations well.

 I am still working on this one. I tend to be more of an evening person, and so I bring up hard things later in the day. I have also been known to hijack a fun occasion because I’d prefer to work through a tough issue instead. It is okay to arrange time for a difficult conversation. Just make sure you allow ample space between it and the next demand on your schedule.

5.  Adjust your goal to understand each other rather than to agree with each other.

I have wanted others to see a matter or person the way I do rather than be open to hearing another perspective. As the other person expresses their thoughts or feelings, if I am listening to understand, I just might achieve new thoughts that will provide balance to my own position.

6.  If a conversation becomes heated, agree to table it for fifteen minutes.

Get up and move around (to activate another part of your brain). Come back to the conversation with a renewed goal of listening.

7.  Pray before starting a difficult conversation, and invite God into the process.

Don’t use prayer as a chance to layout why the other person is wrong or to preach a little sermon. Prayer is about talking to God not the other person.