I just got off the phone with a distraught husband who has been married for less than a year. His wife had requested he get help from a counselor and even went so far as to diagnosis his issue. He called wanting to know what to do and asked if a counselor could really help him attain the marriage he’d envisioned when he said “I do.”
After talking with him for a while it became clear to me that he lacked a marriage model to follow. He needed tools to consistently communicate, set boundaries and work out conflicts. He didn’t require a diagnosis, but rather a counselor to assure him there was hope.
We often repeat the relational patterns and marriage model we grew up with. For many men, a healthy marriage model is missing. They didn’t have a dad in the home to show them how to treat women or how to communicate their thoughts and feelings. Their model left when things got difficult, and along with their model’s departure went the tools they need for success.
Learning to remain steady amid your wife’s emotional upset is challenging. She often has a great deal to say and says it with intensity—intensity that makes a man want to hide, shut down or walk away. If your marriage model didn’t demonstrate how to tune into your own emotions, how do you then express them to your wife? How do you tell her what you feel when she keeps insisting you share?
For some men, the marriage model they grew up with is nothing they want to repeat. They saw their parents’ marriage as full of anger, unresolved fights, hurtful words and a constant struggle for relational control. Or the model was one where difficult issues were discussed behind closed doors, but the resulting tension and stress was still felt by all.
It is hard to make changes if you are not sure which changes to make. It is hard to behave differently when you don’t know what behavior will make a difference. And most of all, it is hard to remain loving when you both hurt from past occurrences. Counseling is a great place to look at your marriage model; identify your own emotions, unpack your thoughts, learn why you react the way you do, and get practical tools and steps to make the changes you desire.