1. Remember your goal for communication.
If you want to create a connection with the person you are talking with, it’s important to share openly and honestly. Communication isn’t about trying to control the other person. It isn’t a competition to see who speaks with the most authority or who presents the best logical case. That is called debate.
2. Practice tuning into your own needs, thoughts and feelings so you can express them accurately.
This might sound easy, but how many times have you responded with “I don’t know” when asked what you are feeling? Better to muddle through sharing your emotional state rather than shutting down. We only get better if we practice.
3. Communicate only what you think, need or feel.
We cannot tell another what they think, feel or need. That is their responsibility. The rule of thumb is to use “I” statements. I want to hear what you are saying but I am reacting negatively to the way you are speaking to me vs Your angry and need to calm down.
4. Time your conversations well.
I am still working on this one. I tend to be more of an evening person, and so I bring up hard things later in the day. I have also been known to hijack a fun occasion because I’d prefer to work through a tough issue instead. It is okay to arrange time for a difficult conversation. Just make sure you allow ample space between it and the next demand on your schedule.
5. Adjust your goal to understand each other rather than to agree with each other.
I have wanted others to see a matter or person the way I do rather than be open to hearing another perspective. As the other person expresses their thoughts or feelings, if I am listening to understand, I just might achieve new thoughts that will provide balance to my own position.
6. If a conversation becomes heated, agree to table it for fifteen minutes.
Get up and move around (to activate another part of your brain). Come back to the conversation with a renewed goal of listening.
7. Pray before starting a difficult conversation, and invite God into the process.
Don’t use prayer as a chance to layout why the other person is wrong or to preach a little sermon. Prayer is about talking to God not the other person.